Happy New Year everyone. I hope you all had a great holiday season. I am ready for the holidays to be done and on to life with all of its upcoming changes. One year ago, I was preparing to move in two months time. This year, I am preparing to move, but I don’t know when. I just know it is going to happen. I am still a bit apprehensive about moving to Utah, but I am getting more excited about it. I like the prospect that this past Christmas is the last one we will spend alone. I am looking forward to having my family over for Sunday Dinner, or better yet, at my mom and dads place. My mom is the best cook ever! House hunting is also difficult when you live 750 miles away. It doesn’t help that there really isn’t much on the market there that fits our needs and desires. But as I have said before, We have always been put where we need to be when we need to be, and I am sure it will happen once again.
If you are new to my blog, you may have wondered about the name, Kelsi’s Closet Jewelbox. Kelsi is my second daughter. Her birthday was 2 days ago, December 30th. She would be turning 8 years old this year. However, 8 years ago today, January 1st, she passed away in my hands.
This picture was taken at Thanksgiving. It was the first time I have had all four girls together at the same time. Kate is holding up 6 fingers because that is how old she is. LOL. Silly kid.
Every year I have made a special piece of jewelry for myself. However, this year I have not made much jewelry and I didn’t make one for her birthday. But I did have something special made. A long-time online friend of mine started making lamp work beads a while back… and she does some beautiful work. I asked her if she would make an angel for me. They were all so pretty that I have ended up having her make 4 of them. Each one of my girls will be getting one of these pretty little beads. I had her make little teddy bears as they go along with the teddy bear that is on Kelsi’s headstone.
Sally Sutherland of Soul Silver is the artist behind these little beauties. I am very excited to get them. Aren’t they beautiful? Just the quiet reverence that portrayed with their sweet little faces…. Please be sure to visit her Etsy Store for more beautiful eye candy.
Another thing that happens every year for Kelsi’s birthday is that my mom will make a luminary out of a milk jug and decorate it up beautifully. She does this because it keeps the wind from blowing the candle out. It is really neat too because more than once, she will put it out on Kelsi’s headstone on the 30th and the candle will still be going when she goes to pick it up on the 1st, each of the days Kelsi was alive. This year my mother made a white bow and flower for it. You see, at the age of 8, we believe that children have reached the age of accountability, when they are able to know right from wrong when making choices. It is when they reach this age that they are able to be baptized in our religion. The baptismal dressing is all white. We won’t be having a baptism this year, and that actually makes me really sad.
It is strange to think that it has already been 8 years. There are some things that I remember so vividly. I remember going down to the NICU at about 1:30 in the morning to see my sweet little baby. All the nurses were wearing 2005 crowns. And some of the little isolets were decorated up with tinsel and Christmas ornaments.
I have been really thinking about a lot of things lately. This weekend I have been helping a friend of mine move. She is going through a heartbreaking divorce and has had to sell her beautiful home and is facing a totally different life than she had imagined. Through it all she had kept her faith in the Lord and is a genuinely beautiful person. It is sad to watch everything that she is going through. I have seen others go through similar and they have allowed the sad situation taint them with a spot of ugly, if you will. They become cynical and angry. And while it is normal for people to go through that as part of a grieving phase, some allow for that part to stay. Then they get angry and start to ask why God has done this to them or allowed it to happen.
When Kelsi passed away, I went through all the various phases of grieving. I got angry, I was sad, I was confused and broken. But I honestly never really felt angry at God and asked Why Me? Because really, why not me? It has to happen to someone, if that makes any sense. To tell you honestly, it is okay that it happened to me. It took a little while, but I can easily see that the most loving and merciful thing that God did for me in this situation, is to allow my precious little baby to leave this life. Had she lived, her quality of life, and ours too really, would have been VERY different than what it is now. It would not have been fun at all. We knew she was in for a long line of surgeries, possible and likely blindness, possible Cerebral Palsy and a long list of other things including lung issues from being born so early. So while I would have taken that life and loved her all the same, life is so much better for all of us by her not having to deal with any of it.
Also, I am fortunate that it happened to me as I am one of those people that can take something like this and have it make me stronger and hopefully a better person. If not better, perhaps more mindful. I was also very fortunate that Kelsi was not my first child. I had Riley, 4 years old at the time, who still needed me to be a mom. I didn’t have time to withdraw and allow the situation to suck the life out of me. It was also interesting that at the same time I was dealing with her death and making all the funeral arrangements that the company I worked for at the time was HORRIBLE about the whole thing. I can assure you that at the time, I was sitting there going “Why me?!?!?!” But within 2 weeks I knew that that too was a HUGE blessing as I was able to get a better job, with a better company with a huge pay rase and MUCH better benefits. From that experience alone, I have become much more mindful that even though some things REALLY REALLY SUCK, a lot of times it is just a blessing in the works.
We have been dealing with a couple of really difficult things for the last year in our family. It still hasn’t improved and sometimes gets worse. I am still waiting for the time when we can sit and look back to see why those things happened and which blessings they have led us to. And even though we are in the throws of “suckyness,” I can already see several very obvious blessings.
I am really sad about this next move as I was really hoping that Washington was going to be my home. But I am so grateful that I got to live here and experience this at all. I have made some wonderful friends, including the special friend that I have been helping move this week. She has opened my eyes to MANY things and helped me to look at things in a different light. I have met some other people that have taught me some other things and I look forward to taking those lessons and putting them into action in our new home, with our new neighbors and new friendships that are to be developed.
I want to thank every one of you for subscribing to my blog and helping it to grow as much as it has. I was looking at my site stats the other day and was simply blown away. Last December I had 18,000 hits (which was AMAZING in and of itself) but this December I had nearly 86,000 hits. OH MY GOODNESS!!! I am currently averaging over 1,000 views per day. I have nearly 700 people that subscribe to my YouTube channel and nearly 700 here on my blog. While I feel that I am still a small fry, I am truly humbled that you feel that it is worth your time to have my blog be a part of your life. So Thank You!
I hope that 2013 is a great year for all of us. Thank you for letting me be a part of your 2013.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!